jaded

I've officially reached that stage. The one where I look at my calendar at all the weddings and showers I have to go to and groan.

I've got the wedding thing figured out. I show up to the reception with enough time to go to the kallah, give the standard 'you look gorgeous, I hope you're really happy', go find any required relatives/neighbors and say mazal tov so they can report back to my mother that I am a functioning member of society with adequate social skills, find my friends, squeal over how skinny they look, groan over stupid professors, and bemoan our lack of social lives. I've become pretty good at estimating time so that when I'm done with all this, the chosson comes in to gaze teary-eyed at his kallah and whisper his own wishes to her, watch the mothers cry over their babies as he covers her face, and go find a seat at the chuppah.

I've figured out which seat to take so I'll be able to wish the kallah mazal tov when she's walking back down the aisle, and still be able to get out of the chuppah room as quickly and painlessly as possible. I've also figured out which perakim of tehillim take enough time so that I can pray my little piece and be finished just as the kallah is passing my seat.

The whole point of going to weddings is to celebrate with the bride and groom, right? So while they're being put through all kinds of uncomfortable and annoying poses, I can technically leave and come back just when they're coming back in for dancing, right? Wrong! Somewhere along the way, it's become an unspoken rule that the friends all have to hang around their tables so that all the mothers of young eligible bachelors who are at the wedding can hover around the tables and check out the eligible young ladies who, like cattle, are 'on the market' and just want to be scrutinized, from the tops of their freshly blow-dried head, to the tips of their shiny shoes. Indeed, that is why we dress up and come to these functions anyway.

Of course, you can't miss the arch waving ceremony. That's when the band either plays 'Mission Impossible' or the standard 'Intro' while the girls all stand trying to suppress their shrieking because it's 'unfine' then the happy couple finally comes in after drinking lots of PowerAde so they can get some electrolytes back into their systems after fasting all day, the chosson quickly hops over to the men's' side, while the kallah tries to fit her gown between the rows and looks for her mother, while trying to look elegant for the cameras. If I'm really lucky, I can get to do a little hand holding/jumping thing with the kallah before the end of the first dance, which can happen if there isn't too much family, so I can wish her mazal tov again, and quickly make my exit. If not, I have to suffer through another agonizing course of shadchan dodging and the annoying cameramen urging us to make complete fools over ourselves on camera.