the phone rings in my house. i ignore it. no one ever calls on my house phone for me. all the calls are for Sister2, a swarming, social butterfly.
"fcg! phone call!" my mom calls down the stairs.
someone calling for me at home can only mean one thing.
shidduch information.
i hate doing this.
i make my way upstairs and gesture to my mother that she should tell the woman that I'm not home, I'm sick, I'm away, i moved, ANYTHING. she gently pushes me in the direction of the phone. i gingerly pick up the phone.
"hello?"
"hi I'm calling about a friend of yours..."
(i was hoping my mom had made a mistake and heard wrong when she answered the phone. she hadn't. i stifle a groan)
"how can i help you?"
"can you tell me about your friend?"
(generalize much? uh, she likes tea? she has red slippers? her favorite color is red? she had a gum collection on the wall? she likes her freckles and doesn't cover them up? she owns more black pleated skirts than anyone else i know?)
"umm...can you be a little more specific please?"
"tell me about her personality"
(another stifled groan. personality is a very wide category. i fill her in making sure to hit the correct buzzwords: bubbly, outgoing yet refined, upbeat, positive...)
then she goes ahead to ask me the nasty questions: is she close with her parents? does she fight with her siblings?
i bite my tongue in an effort to retort: "do you think i would tell you if there was something wrong? like sure, I'm going to tell you that this girl is really nasty and put raw eggs in my pillowcase, or that she's a closet eater?"
i hang up and i tell my friends yet again, to TAKE ME OFF THEIR RESUMES! i don't like giving shidduch information. i don't have single friends on mine; they should reciprocate.
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8 comments:
I don't understand, fcg! The one who prays for his friend, gets answered first!It can only be for your good to answer as civily as you can.
And of COURSE the lady asked general questions. If, as you aptly pointed out, she asks "Is she too loud?" You'll say "NO". I always ask friends," please describe her for me." I figure the aspects they emphasize are important.
The girls always say, "What are you looking for?"
-I answer:" Look, in a lot of things there is no "right" or "wrong" You describe, and "I'll think if it is "Maateem(fits)"
Once a girl said, "Oh, I know your first daughter in-law. This girl is not like that at all! -I answered: "And my third son is not like my first!"
Try and imagine how terribly nerve wracking it is to check someone out. They are not going to be dating two years, during which time they will discover the "hidden" defects. The challenge to find someone who is suitable for this child, who you can stomach, who will settle for your deficiencies, while you can life with theirs... is DAUGNTING!!!!
FrumCollegeGirl: I understand about the questioning part. I never know what to say when they ask general questions, I need specific questions.
Ricki's Mom: You have a point, but its so hard to think of what to say on the spur of a moment. Unless you have a great imagination it takes time.
The references should all fill out cards with information beforehand, maybe then it would be easier. Although they did try it once, but I don't think it took off.
rickismom
I agree with all you say, but to be fair to the single girls who are put on a resume- their friends should notify them first. And as a parent of girls, I don't ask or expect much from the single guys as references. They are friends, of course they will rave. I listen to what they do or don't say, but don't rely on them for great insights into their friends' personalities. Rather, I hear what they think is important, and decide if that is important to my daughters, as well.
rickismom
I agree with all you say, but to be fair to the single girls who are put on a resume- their friends should notify them first. And as a parent of girls, I don't ask or expect much from the single guys as references. They are friends, of course they will rave. I listen to what they do or don't say, but don't rely on them for great insights into their friends' personalities. Rather, I hear what they think is important, and decide if that is important to my daughters, as well.
poems
have meaning
sometimes
they don't
write
explanations
if no meaning
they won't
suns rise
men wise
fish fries
baby cries
bugs die
pickles and nanoseconds
reveal extremes
never the universe
always a dream
touche
I agree that friends should tell them. I also don't expect much from the unmarried girls, but they can give you a bit of a picture of the girls personality.
I am so glad I am not frum enough to be in that crappy circle.
1. your friends should let you know you're on the reference list
2. you can decide beforehand what you will say, for real friends. you can ask them if they want you to say that
3. do not be snippy to the people asking for info. this is about your friend not you and coming across as rude to a potential m-in-l when you're supposed to be a close friend will only be to your friend's detriment. It's not a given that if the person asking for info is stupid your friend doesn't want to marry the boy connected to the asker
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