it should have been a peaceful Friday night meal-as peaceful as it could be with all my relatives. with the exception of a bunch of cousins who were away and brother 1 who was in yeshiva for shabbos, we were all sitting around the table, enjoying the company, getting riled up about nothing, when Uncle E's hatzolah radio beeped. we all looked at it as a voice squawked

"can i get a unit to Yeshivas OR?"

my mother blanched.

"hey, that's brother 1's yeshiva!" said sister 2.

Captain Obvious, that one.

"well there's a family that lives on campus" said my mother "maybe it's one of their kids" the radio blared again

"i have a bachur with a head and eye injury" my uncle reached for his radio, his hand poised over it.

"do you want me to take the call?" he asked my mother.

"if it is brother 1 they have to come here and get a parent" Cousin S reminded us.
my mother shook her head."no you don't have to. anyway, what are the chances that it's him?" i could practically hear sister 1's brain churning. since there are six boys in the 12th grade, the chances of him being the one with the injury were about sixteen and a half percent. but she didn't say anything. we continued eating. about halfway through the meal, we saw lights outside our house.

"oh please don't tell me that's an ambulance" said my mother. but at second glance her fears were confirmed. we all spilled out on to the front lawn, and to our immense relief, brother 1 didn't stagger from the ambulance, dripping blood. in fact, he looked shaken, but unharmed. the EMT Explained that Hatzolah had been called because he had felt a sharp shooting pain in his eye.

"we have to take him to his eye doctor." (that would be Uncle Y who we knew was home because he was celebrating sheva brachos for his daughter) it was decided that my father Uncle E would accompany him to Uncle Y. they packed into the ambulance and we waved them off. i tried, using my vast medical knowledge of the eyeball, to explain how dangerous it is for pressure to build up in the posterior segment of the eye, but no one was interested. Cousin Z shuddered in disgust. relieved that no one had been seriously hurt, (following that age old philosophy of "no blood and breathing, he's OK" )we went back inside to finish eating.

"if he comes back home tonight, do we have to give him back his room?" Cousin M asked.

"oh gosh, do we have to be nice to him now?" i wanted to know.
right after we finished bentching, they returned, after stopping off at CVS to buy drops. the diagnose: an ulcer in the cornea.

"an ulcer? in the eye?" i asked. "but i thought ulcers happen in the stomach where hydrochloric acid-" a look from Cousin Z and Aunt D stopped me.
"sorry" i muttered.
my mother was relieved that the whole ordeal was over.

"i had a vision of a fork stuck in his eye."

Cousin M blanched and choked on his wine.

"what's the matter with you?" asked Uncle E asked. Cousin S patted her husband's arm and looked at my uncle.

"M is squeamish. very squeamish" Uncle E looked as if his birthday had come early.

"really? you don't like blood! that's awesome!"

watch out, Cousin M. anything you say at the table can and will be used against you.

thank G-d the rest of the night passed uneventfully. brother 1 is OK and all our guests made it home safely.

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